


Invincible

by Calofisteri



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Angst, Existential Angst, Gallifrey, Hope, Mentioned Past Companions (Doctor Who), One Shot, Post-Episode: s12e01-02 Spyfall, Season/Series 12, The Doctor on His Own
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:07:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24204136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calofisteri/pseuds/Calofisteri
Summary: "Cry aloud, bold and proud, of where I've been." After the events of Spyfall, the Doctor reflects on her life in a silent exchange between her and all of space. Oneshot.
Kudos: 3





	Invincible

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the song "Invincible" by Tool. Please do check it out if you can!

One could not relate to the ramifications of eternity. Sometimes, not even the person experiencing it.

As she gazed into the infinite cosmos surrounding her, the Doctor couldn’t help but smile. It was not a happy smile, nor was it a plainly painful one. It was bittersweet to its core, just like her existence, just like her whirlwind of thoughts.

She had been in this situation a billion times before. It was a sentence she could say about most things she had experienced in her lifetime. Pain, betrayal, heartbreak, loss. None of them were new to her, none of them ever left her alone. Her life was but a limbo, of indescribable happiness leading to unfathomable sadness, over and over again. And yet, she kept going.

How often she had people tell her she shouldn’t stay on her own. They were right, for the most part. Her friends were, amongst many things, a parkour, keeping away and blocking her thoughts. As soon as there was enough space for them to catch up with her, there was nothing to stop her from becoming everything she feared and hated. When rage, grief and misery turned her into a monster, not even the intrinsic goodness of her hearts could stand in her way – she was never one to deny that the means for destruction were in her hands, that all she had to do was lose any and all reason not to act on them.

But time did not go by the same for her as it did for her human companions. Her thoughts were twice as fast, the fleeting of her pain innumerable times as slow, and emotions affected her in ways that could only be described as corporeal. She had been burned from the inside out so many times before, yet it always came back, just a tiny friction stronger than last time. Just like her home planet was in flames, so were her veins, and just as loud as she had heard her ancestors scream too many times, her soul was crying out.

Sometimes, when she was alone, she would be too numb to act on her pain, too physically paralyzed to search for the one responsible for her downfall. Not that she really blamed him. He was a constant, just like the cycle of losses and wins, fails and falls. Of course the never-ending hurt was a comfort to her. She knew, in the depths of her being, that he would always be there until the end of time, even when she long lost everyone else she ever held dear.

Maybe she was only pretending to be surprised by the repeated loss of her home. Maybe she was acting out feelings that had no room to be there in the first place, because really, she should have known it would always come back to this. Every time that she looked at her reflection and saw a familiar but bygone face staring back at her, it served as a reminder that she could never outrun her past, no matter how hard she tried. And she was very much aware of her tendency for escapism. Still, no matter how many times she was proven differently, she kept returning to a state of hoping. _This time it would be different, I can break the cycle_. That by itself was, however, part of the cycle, and deep down she knew that too.

By all means, she had experienced what most others would call eternity. Who else could she share that with, if not the vast space itself? For as long as the numbness did not reach her lips, she would smile at it. The one partner she did not need a response from in order to have a conversation – truthfully, the stars could understand her eternal pain more than any sentient being ever would. And her friends were right, they always were. She should not be left alone in moments like this. But if she had learned one thing, it was that there were always exceptions to every rule. That was just another unwritten etiquette she could not control, but in the rare moments it came around, she embraced it.

Once in a lifetime – a saying that had a gradually different meaning for her – her pain would not become a weapon. Sometimes, when it was only between her and the deep dark galaxy, it would become a shield. And in those rare moments she understood that a shield would not make her less of a warrior than a weapon did.

When she shared that knowledge with no one but existence itself, her smile was not just hers. It was that of everyone she had ever loved and lost. It was all the pain in the universe, all the destruction and chaos, becoming one with her. They were telling her that, even when she was drowning in tears, the part of her that knew how to swim was never fully gone. It was not a happy smile. But it was one that would not be able to exist without the hurt and numbness. Everyone could happy smile, she figured, but what she had was unique. Not everyone could smile in the face of eternal darkness. Most people never had to. But she did, and she never had a choice.

Time went by twice as fast for her mind as it did for most others, but this fraction of life, this one rare moment in the cycle of her reality, it would last. And when her thoughts were like a tornado, they would tell her that despite all her reasons to hate herself, she could be proud. Proud to still be breathing, even when everything seemed to be against her. That was, if anything, bold of her. _Bold and proud_ , she told herself, _I am alive_. She was bold and she was proud, and as long as she could be that, maybe she could keep hoping.

Her smile was not her own as the voices in her head reminded her of who she was. It was that of the abyss sending remembrances back her way. Memories of people who swore to never leave her side, of people who, despite all fragility, took it upon them to save the world. People who never got to be proud of their pain like she did, because she took that possibility from them. People who gave their life for her, people who gave their life for each other. People who always found a reason to laugh, even when they were torn apart on the inside. People who gave their life in the name of being who they were in all their honesty and glory.

She let those people be a part of her, and when she reached her point of absolute hopelessness, they would always be there to remind her why she couldn’t let them down. If they could do it – if they went through all that pain, caused by her own doing – the least she could do was hope. Because that’s what each of them always did. She was dying, but she could not let the promises of them die with her. She owed them that much. As long as they were there to experience eternity with her, she would have hope.

She knew, because she always knew. She knew this was part of her cycle. She knew she would break again, lose again, repeat the same mistakes, lose hope, just to end right back up here in a desperate attempt to regain it.

She knew they weren’t really there. She knew her hope was false hope. But the truth had never, ever, gotten in her way. So, she would keep going. And as long as she held on to these isolated instances where her eternal ache turned into her strength and pride, even in the face of infinity, she would be invincible.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Give me a follow on Twitter if you'd like, you can find me under @arlocado <3  
> Stay loving & kind - Arlo


End file.
